You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
this boner is exhausting
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
What the hell do you do when your fuck buddy leaves to go for a piss naked and 20 minutes later hasn't come back and can't be found anywhere in the house or outside but has left his phone, tee shirt and shoes in your bedroom.
I don't think there is a pre defined social etiquette for a lost naked fuck buddy now roaming the streets.
Randomize
