so i was creeping on him today and there was like nothing new except he became a fan of getting dome
i wish i could be like. "i like giving dome, lets be friends"
Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
Prepare for tons of dick. I mean dick by the bucket loads. Waterfalls if cock.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
Do you have any pics of the gummy penis incident?
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
Randomize
