awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
Randomize
