PS - I'm in bed with an 18 yr old-am I a cougar?
No - puma.
i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
Randomize
