ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
Randomize
