singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
THE ALMIGHTY HAS FALLEN DRUNKENLY OFF HIS HIGH HORSE AND INTO HOLLY'S VAGINA
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
