he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
I cant even remember his name or what he looked like. all I remember is what the tattoo on his forearm looked like.
well, he kindof looked like a walmart greeter. I tried to stop you
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
Randomize
