...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
no seriously. she's even got the premier of the real L word on her calendar at work. that lesbian.
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
would you eat cereal with weed in it
who is this???
Randomize
