i wore my purity necklace wen we fucked. but its ok cuz simplified was blasting in the background
hahahaha. im glad listening to simplified justifies breaking ur promise to god
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
if you are still a virgin by winter break we are throwing an aztec themed sacrifice the virgin party
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
