i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
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Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
he sent me a pic of his dick and balls out with sunglasses over them like a face. i was at dinner.
do you still have it? i kinda want to see.
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
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I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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