Pants 0. Shit 1.
so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize
