I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
Its Shannon Doherty lazy not Forest Whittaker lazy
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
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