Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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