Ben's a prick.
What Ben are you talking about?
All the bens across all the lands
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
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Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
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You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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