i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
Enjoy the penises
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
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