One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
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