I'm pretty sure that he just gave me the ginger disease
even through the webcam i could tell he was aiming for my face/hair
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Randomize
