look no pants
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
No jewlry, no bra, and no pen. I couldnt be more prepared for a friday morning class.
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
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