Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Btw I puked in your glovebox
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