Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
