Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
Jason Williams (yeah the ex-nets center...) drunkenly told me that, while drinking, I should take an ambien and a cialis before i go home...that will "give me a 25 minute window to have sex and then goto sleep before the bitch starts bothering me"....
when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
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