He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
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