Can i not drive my cunt home
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
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