it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
Whatevss it will be funn .. Hopefully no one projectile vomits on the wall again.. Its kinda become a tradition though
I don't remember anything that happened last night past 10.. I made him buy me a Buckeye's Donut tshirt. I have no idea why he'd want to fuck me after that.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
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