guess who just spent driver's ed figuring out how to draw a guy giving head
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
Her mom came down to the basement and took shots with us. She's now passed out in a wheel barrow. This party got weird
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
Randomize
