I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
