Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
Randomize
