i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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