I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
Randomize
