I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
the raccoons are back...
Randomize
