well thats why i like him. because he makes you happy. on the other hand i think he masturbates too much while texting you.
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
Randomize
