a strip club that doesn't allow touching or asking for sex... whats the point?
unless her vagina can tell me my horoscope in sign language, I'm not going.
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
Randomize
