New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
Even though he is humpbacked he is really good in bed.
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
Not only does DQ have s'mores shakes, sonic has a hot dog in a pretzel bun, and Wendy's has a burger in a pretzel bun. Important things are happening.
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
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