i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
He's a Shit stain on my heart
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
Randomize
