my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
Randomize
