dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
Fuck this virus. We’re finally back on campus but the bars suck parties are banned sports are canceled we eat in our rooms and can’t fucking hangout with anyone. I’m tired of virtual classes and involuntary celibacy
OMG IKR! It’s not college unless we’re puking in a toilet wondering if we’re pregnant or just hungover!
Randomize
