You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
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