Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
I have commenced my lesbian college experimentation. Wish me luck
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
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