Gte hit a new low, I took a poopnap, passed out mid poop on the toilet.
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING
you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
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