Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
Totally forgot this... How weird was it when they were licking our faces
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
Randomize
