Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
Drinking a pint every 8 mins right now. Power hour aint shit.
Good luck
Trying doe a second hour and I.cant open my eyes
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
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