Do you think Capital One would let me put the Tub Girl picture on my Capital One card?
Beat you to it.
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
Randomize
