fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
and when i put it inside her she yelled "welcome aboard!"
What ever happened to making out with a few boob grabs here and there?
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
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