Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
my bf wants us to fuck our way into the new year.. how original..
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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