I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
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