yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
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