so we'll all just be running around naked, basically. and high.
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
Randomize
