i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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