I can tuck mytits in my pants
Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
After going down on me he either said "there, it's over" or "there's an odor"... I couldn't hear him and was too embarrassed to ask him to repeat himself. I just got dressed, grabbed my bag, and left. So I don't think there's gunna be a second date. =(
I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize
