just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
Keep your head up. His game is good, and you should be honoured to be a notch on his wall. If it makes you feel better, if it wasn't you, it was going to be me.
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
Right after i got done cumming i sat back and gave a big Ric Flair "WOOOOOO!"
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
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