Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
Randomize
