thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
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