There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
Randomize
