Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
i'm going through the NYU 2014 group looking for future drunken hookups. too slutty?
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
Randomize
