i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
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