I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
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