You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
officially hit rock bottom.. been yelling through the vent in my room to my little brother trying to convince him to get me water for the past two hours. i fear feeling the full effect of my hangover if i stand.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
You have to summon your inner elephant
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
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