my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
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